Paedophile given Viagra on the NHS

A PAEDOPHILE with a 30-year history of abusing children is being prescribed Viagra on the NHS - and there is nothing the authorities can do to stop him.

Roger Martin, 71, merely has to visit his GP to obtain the libido-enhancing drug, even though experts warn it will enable him to continue preying on children despite his age.

The probation officers who oversee Martin are powerless to interfere with the administration of prescription drugs.

He does not have to tell his GP about his criminal past and even if he does, doctors cannot take convictions into account.

Martin suffers from numerous illnesses including diabetes, for which Department of Health guidelines say Viagra can be prescribed. He has forced himself on a string of youngsters and his latest assault was on an 11-year-old girl last year.

But when he was sentenced at Peterborough Crown Court yesterday a judge chose not to send him to prison after being persuaded he 'wouldn't be able to cope' with a spell behind bars. Last night Martin, a widower, claimed he 'wasn't doing anything wrong' by taking Viagra. But child safety campaigners and MPs reacted with horror and demanded the loophole be closed.

Claude Knights, director of children's charity Kidscape, said: 'I am shocked that someone has been given a chemical aid to sexual activity when they are misdirecting their urges. It gives them a chance to abuse more children.' Peterborough MP Stewart Jackson said: 'This is a bizarre and outrageous example of where common sense gets thrown out of the window in preference to so-called human rights and political correctness.

'Someone needs to get a grip here and start thinking about what's in the public interest instead of ticking boxes like a robot.' Martin, of Dogsthorpe, Peterborough, has a history of sex offences dating back to 1978 when he was convicted for having unlawful sex with a 15-year-old baby-sitter.

He pleaded guilty to his latest offence of touching an 11-year-old inappropriately when she visited his sheltered accommodation home in December 2008 to do some cleaning for pocket money.

Judge Nicholas Coleman ordered him to attend a three-year sex offenders' treatment programme and banned him from having contact with children indefinitely.

Last night he said his Viagra use was 'a personal thing really'. He added: 'I live on my own and I don't have any female company and I don't think I'm doing anything wrong.'


Fix the Itch

"Did I tell you about the new woman in the personnel department?" my pal asked.

"Nope," I replied.

"Well I went down to her office, to take a look at her PC the other day and we had quite a long chat about cars. I was telling her about my new Jag and as soon as I mentioned it, she started telling me that she’s got an itchy pussy."

I gulped and asked, "And what did you say to that?"

"I said, I’m not in the slightest bit impressed," my pal continued, "I’d rather have a sports car any day, because I think all of those Japanese four-by-fours look the same."


Dear Alcohol

Dear Alcohol,
I thought I'd take a minute to discuss some troubling factors with you....
First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours...your many sides and dimensions are mind-boggling (different than beer goggling, which I'll touch upon shortly.)
Yes, my friend, you always seem to be there when needed -- the perfect post-work cocktail, a beer with the game... and you're even around in the holidays: Hidden inside chocolates you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings.
Yet lately, I've been wondering about your intentions.
You see, I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, but I feel that your influence has led to unwise consequences, briefed below for your review:
1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity occurs at 5 AM.
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal and, though cooking is far from my specialty, why you suggested that I eat a kebab with chilli sauce coupled with a pot noodle and some stale crisps (washed down with chocolate nesquik and topped off with a Kit Kat) is beyond me. Eclectic eater I am, but I think you went a bit too far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me I need to do yoga more to increase my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down the stairs. Completely unnecessary. Similarly, it should never take me more than 30 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.
4. Pictures: This is a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify the last point below, but the following costumes are heretofore banned from being placed on my head in public: Indian Wigs, Sombreros, Bows, Ties, Boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic cones, bras
5. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most likely do not. PLEASE do not request that I go over and see if in fact, I do actually know that person. This is similar to the old "Hey, you're in my class" syndrome circa 1996 at SU, and should heretofore be rendered illegal. Coupled with this is the phrase "Let's shag." While I may be thinking this, please reinstate the brain-to-mouth block that would keep this thought from being a statement, especially in public.

Further, the subsequent hangovers have GOT to stop.
Now, I know a little penance for our previous evenings' debauchery may be in order, but the 2pm Hangover Immobility is completely unacceptable. I ask that if the proper steps are proactively taken on my part (i.e. water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be quite minimal and no way interfere with my daily Saturday or Sunday (or any day, for that matter) activities.
Come on now, it's only fair -- you do your part, I'll do mine.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our relationship for some years now, and want to ensure that we remain on good terms.
You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when we just don't know what to do with the extra money in our pockets.
In order to continue this relationship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately.
I will look for an answer no later than Thursday at 5pm (pre happy hour) on your possible solutions and hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you for your prompt attention to these matters.

Sincerely - your biggest fan


There was this guy at uni whose name I forget

but that is probably for the best. He came in one night, ripped to the tits, fell flat on his face in the corridor and went to sleep. So his mates carried him to bed. The girls went to check on him in the morning and found the toilet, the corridor, his room and bed full of shit. They cleaned up the toilet and corridor and when they went to check on him again 3 hours later, he was fast asleep but the shit was gone. To this day, he has no idea he shat all over the flat and thinks no-one else even knows he crapped on his floor and in his bed.